I create context. I also write blog posts:

All I Ask Is That You Don't Suck.

Posted: December 7th, 2010 | Author: | 4 Comments »

Dear Internet Providers:

I’m going to give one of you 50 bucks a month. My standards are low, my expectations few: Just don’t suck.

But apparently it’s not going to be that easy. I’m looking for an internet provider for my second story apartment in Centereach (apparently, the “second story” part of that is important to some). I would like to call you in the next week, give you my credit card information, and have you take fifty dollars from me at the beginning of every month. Just like that! I ask very few questions, I tip the delivery guy, you’re in you’re out and we’re done. But who am I going to call?

Optimum, you’ve got access to my wallet right now. But you’re never consistent with speed ā€” in fact, it’s dipped fairly low recently, into my “this sucks” zone ā€” and I can’t stand you. Your service never feels like help but more often feels like I’m asking permission for something.

Verizon, I’ve never had your internet service, but you were my cellphone provider for a while there and you weren’t all that impressive. I’ve heard only great things about Fios, though, so I’m hopeful. But if it’s so great, why do you need me to sign a one year contract? Shouldn’t you be confident that your amazing download speeds and friendly customer service will keep me happy?

Aol: the field is bleak. Do you think you have the non-suckitude to give it one last go?

Yes, I’m desperate enough to invite Aol* to the dance. And if Compuserve or Prodigy are still out there, well, I could be talked into giving them a listen, too.

Whatever happens, I just hope one of you steps forward and doesn’t suck. That’s it. Here I am, my money’s sitting here on the table. Who wants it?



* = Note it’s no longer all capitalized… Rebranding, yeah!

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4 Comments on “All I Ask Is That You Don't Suck.”

  1. 1 Amanda said at 1:18 pm on December 9th, 2010:

    I had Optimum for three years, then switched to FiOS and never looked back. Internet speed is always consistent. I don’t get dropped like I did with Optimum

    I’m sad you left out EarthLink. I saw a supermarket in Massachusetts selling EarthLink disks a few weeks ago. Or how about Juno?

  2. 2 Pete said at 8:01 pm on December 9th, 2010:

    I’m really glad to hear that, ’cause I think Fios is where we’re headed.

    And I left out earthlink because — frankly — I had forgotten about it. What was the free one? Oh… NetZero, right? Are they still around?

  3. 3 Amanda said at 10:24 pm on December 10th, 2010:

    Looks like Juno/NetZero are the same company

  4. 4 Kayli said at 9:28 pm on June 29th, 2011:

    Geez, that’s ubneilaevble. Kudos and such.

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